


Burned Wings

by Neelee



Category: The Bletchley Circle
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-09 17:18:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18642577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neelee/pseuds/Neelee
Summary: Jean liked to watch her girls. Not in a greedy or dirty way, nothing like that. Millie had sensed a lot of warmth in her looks, and some kind of longing, even though highly discreet and controlled. Those looks were a good and safe place to start a day with, and to end it.





	Burned Wings

**Author's Note:**

> This might be the beginning of a longer story about Jean and Millie, but I'm not sure yet. Thank you @girlonabridge for beta, it has been a pleasure to work with you! And @aluckypenny, thank you for your help too! <3

 Bletchley Park, 1943

 “What on earth are you doing here?” Jean didn’t sound directly pleased when Millie knocked on her door at nine o´clock in the evening, but she let her in, not waiting for her question to be answered. Millie felt how Jean inspected her puffy eyes and saw that her boss was cautious, but also worried.

 “Have you been drinking?” The question wasn’t accusing, and not exactly surprised either. Jean had apparently seen it all - the war had changed what was seen as appropriate for women. And you never knew about Jean. Millie thought that she was often annoyingly uptight, but sometimes she felt like one of them.

 Millie shrugged. “Maybe I’ve been drinking. And it’s… it’s about Susan.” Millie had been pondering it for some time now, whether to talk to Jean, or not. She had felt that she would betray Susan if she took it up. But finally Millie had made up her mind: she just couldn’t keep it only to herself. Now it felt good to say aloud Susan’s name, finally share it with somebody.

 “About Susan?” Jean looked even more cautious, and Millie was almost sure that they were on the same page. She assumed that Jean was trying to think how to play her cards, trying to figure out how much Millie understood. Millie had noticed that Jean liked to watch her girls - not in a greedy or dirty way, nothing like that. She had sensed a lot of warmth in her looks, and some kind of longing, even though highly discreet and controlled. Those looks were a good and safe place to start a day with, and to end it.  

 “I think you know. That we are very good friends, Susan and I. But not as close as I’d like us to be. You know what I mean.”

 “Why… why are you talking to me about this?” Of course, Jean was worried about herself. Millie could understand it very well, but it still annoyed her.

 “Because I need to talk to someone! Susan doesn’t want to talk to me. She’s so bloody careful, not saying anything directly, not anymore. Goes on about ‘friendship’, that we can be good friends forever and all that nonsense.”

 “Have you…?” Jean’s curiosity had won over her fear. Jean had decided to trust her, just like Millie had decided to trust Jean.

 “No. Well, hand-holding and tight hugs before I asked for more.” Millie could hear how hurt and disappointed she sounded. She didn’t care, this was why she had come to talk to Jean, to be able to say it aloud.

 “Millie. Maybe… maybe she wasn’t ready?” Millie smiled inwardly, despite all her feelings. She had been right about Jean, that she didn’t have heart to send her away with a story like this.

 “God knows she was ready!” Millie almost shouted. “Before she started avoiding me it was so obvious. I still see it on her. She has every right to say no, of course, but I’m sick of her reasoning. That she appreciates our friendship enormously, that she wants it to stay the way it is, that she doesn’t want anything to threaten it. Damn her! I’m saying that avoiding me threatens it more. And it drives me crazy.” And it made her cry, but that went without saying, because, well, she was crying already.

 “Maybe she has… burned her wings ?” Millie could sense that Jean had clearly stepped over the line. She was an insider, not just a wise woman giving her advice. She didn’t look cautious anymore, but not very comfortable either.

 “Who hasn’t done so? Several times? I have! If you only knew. But I’m not going to become like her! If I weren’t so angry, I would almost pity her. There has to be something more to this life, I can’t...“ Millie stopped mid-sentence, shaken. What did she know about Jean’s life, what sacrifices she had made, how lonely she possibly was. She didn’t want to be cruel - that was the last thing she wanted to be.

 Jean didn’t say anything at first, but she seemed to follow Millie’s line of thought. Jean sighed, looked tired, but not offended. “Then you should know better. It’s not simple.”

 “How has it been for you?” Millie looked Jean right in the eyes. She hoped that Jean would be ready to answer, because she really wanted to know. Somehow Jean was her kind: brave and independent, but a lot more calm than Millie. More controlled. Actually at that moment Millie didn’t want to hear anything about self control or reticence. But she wanted to hear about Jean.

 “For me?” Jean gave her a crooked, slightly nervous smile. “I thought that it wasn’t that obvious.”

 “Don’t worry, it isn’t. And you can trust me. If you keep my secret, I’ll keep yours.”

 “But if I don’t keep yours, you won’t keep mine ?” Jean lifted a questioning eyebrow.

 “Jean, I’m not here to blackmail you, or to play games. You know that. I like you.” Millie put her hand shortly on Jean’s arm.

 “Alright. I hope you can be discreet.” Jean crossed her arms, gathering her thoughts, maybe also the courage to speak. “I… I try to keep my head down here. I’ve burned my wings too, lost a job, lost someone I cared for, and had to carry on like nothing ever happened. I try not to end up in that place again.”

 “I’m sorry.” Millie would have liked to ask more, but she assumed that was all she could get.

 “So I might understand what Susan is going through, trying to protect herself.”

 “But there’s no point. She’s hurting herself whatever she chooses to do. So why not to give in? To have something beautiful, even for a short while?” Millie heard how frantic her voice was. She was sure Jean thought she was childish and ridiculous with all her emotion.

 “I’m sure she doesn’t want to lose her job. She might want to marry and have children someday. I mean if we happen to stay alive.”

 “That’s what she said herself, and the job thing, I get it. But I can’t imagine her being a housewife. For heaven’s sake, with her brains.” 

 “Susan has a strong will. She does what she decides to do.”

“That’s why I like her!” Millie felt that her eyes were teary again.

 “Millie. I think we’re not getting anywhere here.” A sad smile from Jean. “I have to ask you this - do you think that you can still work together?”

 “I hope so.”

 “Let me know if one of you needs to be transferred.”      

 “No, for Christ’s sake, no! I didn’t come here to ask for that.” Millie knew that she and Susan still worked fine together and did a great job serving their country. And she wasn’t ready to let go of Susan, not yet, because, well, there always was hope.

 “I know. But I’m your supervisor, too.” Jean’s look was steady, but kind.

 Millie felt that it was time for her to wipe her cheeks and to go. “Thank you, Jean. That I could talk to you.” 

 “Millie, I like you too.” Jean hugged Millie, quickly and firmly. Her cardigan was soft, and Millie could smell a faint scent lavender. A hasty wish crossed Millie’s mind – that Jean had someone to hold her.


End file.
